In a dark and lonely place right now

[LynnWilliams]

Everything I gone through is nothing compared to my husband wanting to leave me, as his head is all over the place. Its not fair what else can go wrong!!!

[Scully]

Hello Lynn,

 

I'm so sorry things are so bad for you right now. This latest development must be so hard to cope with.

 

Partners often find it incredibly difficult to cope when we have this sodding disease. They see us struggling every day, they see us going through all sorts of physical and mental pain. But, they too go through it, in a different way.

 

I can only speak for my own partner who not only finds it almost unbearable to see me struggling so much on a daily basis, but of course my disease, has a huge impact on my future plans and dreams, and therefore it also impacts his. I've often said that sometimes it's even harder for them to cope in a way.

 

If his 'head is all over the place ' and he's finding it difficult to cope, he may benefit from talking to the MS Society helpline. They offer counselling for partners as well as patients. Sometimes, it helps them enormously to be able to talk to an 'outsider' rather than us. Often it transpires that partners who want to leave....are leaving the MS, not the partner who has it..

 

We are all here for you sweetie.

 

Thinking of you

 

Scully

x

[eliza]

He wants to leave, I take it he hasn't left. So a cry for help. See if you can as scully suggests get some councelling. He is just finding it hard to see someone he loves go through this. He wants a magic wand. sounds like you have had a lot going on in a short period of time. He has got to understand things will get a lot better for you. come on here lots and have a moan at us, whilst he sorts his head out.

[LynnWilliams]

Thank you guys For the comforting words. He is definatly confused because when we have a conversation. He said we . For example he said we need to buy a bigger vivarium soon... Which says a lot. Think I will be getting some help. Luckily I have doctors this morning. Ill keep you posted. :)

[Lynn54]

Hi Lynn

 

My name is Lynn too.

I agree with Scully.

My husband seems to want to "bury his head" and "if he ignores it it might go away".

He doesn't grasp (or accept) that he is carer.

I know that it's not all about me but the focus is often onme.

I worry about how much he takes on when I know there is support out there for him too. It's been two years since my diagnosis and I still feel he is trying to ignore it but he has become irritable with me and I wonder how long it will be before he says he wants out.

I have a good support network but he has nothing because he won't accept it and no family as his parents moved to Ireland. They are elderly so that is a double whammy as they are not in good health.

 

Husbands/partners need help too. I just wish they could see it, it's a hard subject for me to broach with my husband, he has become a closed book. He changes the subject and I worry what the future holds.

 

I hope your partner doesn't really want to leave.

We all of us would leave MS if we could, I would definitely divorce it!!!

 

I wish you all the luck in the world Lynn

 

From another Lynn

Xx

 

[LynnWilliams]

Hi Lynn...Wow the way you just described your husband is like my husband, he just works and works. I dont think it is just me and the ms, but within himself. I have ordered him to see a gp and also get councelling. I will also be advising him and my daughter to go to the ms social carers group that runs once a month! He has to help himself too with his alcohol drinking as he uses it to unwind from a nights working, sleeping and has become reliant on it, he has accepted he needs he just needs a push to go and get it. There is only so much I can do to help him. If he is not willing to do it, I know he wants out and I will heartbreakingly guide hiim to the front door. I have been through hell for the last couple of days, thinking he is leaving me..then I get mixed messages as he takes about things we got to do soon..Im like huh confused.com

 

I hope you dont have the same problem as me either its awful, we dont need stressed as it is, this definatly dont help my situation!

[Mal]

Going to join in saying i'm a man , omg i sound like Frank Spencer haha

well joking aside , yes you are all right saying that men tend hide their feelings and problems

and hope they go away , i know because i do exactly that , but after having a good think about this ,

i wonder if we all take in what partners male or female are feeling ? it must be a lot of pressure on them,

someone they love is suffering and they probably feel there is nothing they can do about ,

 

i guess this also brings on a degree of depression on them that will go untreated , i guess its getting them

to relies and accept you both as a couple need some degree of professional help to get you both through this and achieve

some balance in your lives

 

BTW my record on relationships is lousy so feel free to ignore my rambling !

 

Mal x

Edited 20 Jun 2013, 10:27 pm by Mal

[Lynn54]

Hi Lynn

 

I think that my husband works a lot because he finds it easier to be at work than be with me.

I can't blame him sometimes. He doesn't have a drink problem so I am grateful for that.

Just obstinate about learning about the MS. Hasn't read any of the leaflets or books that we have had thrown our way.

One minute we seem to be drifting apart the next we are as normal.

I know that my mood swings don' help and recently i have been very tearful crying at the least little thing. He cant handle me crying.

Last Friday i had a fall backwards at work which shocked and upset me. i hurt my side so i went to my GP just to check i was ok. Well that was it, one question and i was in floods of tears. He asked me some more questions and he has now put meon Sertraline, an anti depressant for my mood which i know has contributed to the problems we have been having.

To me he is just not willing to use the support system that is out there for him so I am using mine in an attempt not to be moody or irritable with him but it seems to be a one way thing because basically he won't learn or become informed about MS.

I know he is probably grieving like me for the life we thought we would have, however MS only stops you having a life if you let it.

By contrast a fellow male worker was diagnosed recently and his wife has read the books and literature on it so that she can be informed about it as he doesn't want to know what might happen to him. She goes with him to all his hospital appointments and uses the support system.

Best wishes

Lynn

[Lynn54]

Hi Mal

 

I do agree with you. I am concerned for my husbands well being, feelings, thoughts but he is such a closed shop on this subject.

We will have been together 30 years next year. When we met he took on my two daughters and later on we had our own son. Everything in our garden was rosy until two years ago.

The problem is that now he obviously cant open up to me he needs to talk to someone but won't.

It is hard for any couple whose relationship becomes consumed by what MS or any other critical illness can do to it.

I am sure he is a bag of mixed feelings as am I and I agree with the fact that he may well be depressed by it but holding it all in didn't help me it made things worse until my GP basically said you need help.

He is at the same GP's surgery as me but has only ever been to pick up prescriptions for me!

Never to see them for himself.

Our Son is more aware of the situation and copes quite well. I have suggested that he takes a look at the young carers website and maybe join and I am hoping that Dad and Son might do that which might lead onto something rubbing off on hubby. If he thinks he's doing it for our Son it might help as the focus won't be on him at first but on him as helping his son.

I can only try!

 

May be this will help you to try to be a little more open Mal.

Good luck with future relationships.

 

Best wishes

Lynn

 

 

 

 

[LynnWilliams]

Hi thank you. Lynn sounds like your husband is like mine. I know it's hard for them. As I know it's also hard for my daughter to get her head round too.an update: my husband is actually leaving me I am devastated. He said he will be there if I need him and he won't leave me high and dry. Not the point I want him as I love him . 10 years we have been together. He now wants out. Words can not explain how I am feeling. I do have friends and family so they are the best potion for me right now. :(

[Lynn54]

Oh Lynn

I am so sorry!

A hug and a little understanding of where you're at. A hug for your daughter too.

I am sure your family and friends will get you through this. MS is cruel in more ways than one.

I am not always on the forum but I do look at it now and again. Your title is what drew me to your post, it seemed very apt to how I am feeling right now, however my situation does not seem to have reached that of yours and I hope and pray my husband will seek some help in understanding what is going on with me and my body.

Take care and let me know how you get on.

I will follow your posts when you make them.

Best wishes

Lynn

Xx

[Rama]

Dear Lynn,

I am so sorry to hear that your husband has decided to make this decision. I hope you have friends and family close to you that will give you the help and support you need right now. This is such a sh*t disease it has more than just physical effects. You have lots of online friends who are sending you their support - I hope this helps a little.

Gill xx

[derby42]

Lynn

What a terrible thing for you to deal with. I hardly know what to say to you. It must be hard for your husband too i can only echo what the others have said to you, my husband is also one that doesn't talk but many times he's told me how unhappy he is and i know that if we didn't have the babies he would've left.

Most of the time he just gets on with it and doesn't say anything but i know the truth and it just adds to the feeling of guilt that i feel and of course the loneliness as you say.

 

Maybe your husband will leave but maybe he just needs to express his feelings and doesn't know how to do so, this could've led him to feel cornered, not by you but by the situation you're all in and to make the decision to leave takes some pressure off him. If this mental shift does that for him then he might find that he can think more clearly and so decide that leaving isn't really what he wants. A bit like a holiday for the mind if you know what i mean?

Of course if he's depressed then he's unlikely to be thinking of your needs too much or how all this emotional turmoil will be affecting you and maybe some counselling would help but maybe he's not in the right place for that right now, not yet, counselling although helpful can be emotionally hard work and very draining on the old brain and it does sound as though your husband might just feel the need to switch off for a little while.

 

Of course it may just be that this really is going to be the end but it seems like early days in this process so i wouldn't give us just yet, just go with it as best you can and wait to see how it all unfolds, don't panic cos this is only going to make you ill, ten years is a long time and hubby needs to remember why you've been together that long and remember the Lynn he's spent all that time with and not just the Lynn with ms.

 

I really do hope that you two can sort this out, when i get the feeling that my hubby is going through a low time i try to get him interested in something, last month it was a new cycle and a cycle carrier for the babies so he can get out and get some exercise, he's been on a diet so its helped that too. Last week he did all the yard in decking so he has a sense of achievement. People like to feel useful but feel crap when they can't find a solution to a problem especially when loved ones are involved.

My husband can not help with my ms and i know this makes him feel crap because in his mind he's the man and he should be able to fix me but of course we know that ms isn't fixable so i let him know that he's making a difference in other ways, admiring the decking for example.

 

Anyway, the usual ramble from me so ill get off now. Just bear with it as best you can for now Lynn.

 

Denise x

 

[Scully]

Lynne

 

Derby has given you some wonderful, comforting and encouraging words.

 

Scully

x

[derby42]

That's really nice of you to say Scully, thanks.

[LynnWilliams]

Thank you Derby. He has made his decision. Don't think he will ever come back to our marriage but he said he won't make me a divorcee and said he needs to be single . Thank you everyone for being here for me. When I am always upset xxxxxxxxxx love you all