Big Trouble at Work

[jillart]

Hello

 

Do you remember all the trouble I had last year with a new manager that had started at our place? Well it looks like it's started again. He has been a pain ever since last year, not just to me but generally.

 

Now though, it seems he is picking on our section and I'm included. It all started when I came back from holiday last week to find that NO-ONE HAD DONE ANY OF MY WORK! . This had happened before and I knew it was going to cause trouble. I made a record of what had not been done so I could be ready. I had 3 days peace as this manager and other people involved where at a training course, but as soon as he was back he picked up on the work not done.

 

My team manager and I were called in to a meeting about it last Thursday and it seemed that all went OK and I was given support saying he realised that it was not my fault and that things would be done to see it would not happen again and wanted me to clear the work over the next week and attempt to bring things up to date so we could monitor it after that. It was also obvious, reading between the lines, that someone was saying that I did not do enough work (I have my suspicions who but can't prove it). I reminded them that I worked part-time and could not work as quick due to the fact that I had MS that had obviously slipped their minds.

 

Then yesterday he asked how I was going on with the backlog and I said I had started it but it was early days. Now today he's hit the roof and wants to know ALL the work that the section has pending, how much of it is mine and how long it is going to take to do it all. In the meantime more work is coming in and a system I use is broken.

 

It was the last straw. There were a few choice words shouted around and I ended up crying. I have also been told that my work is being cut down to just the admin part. (I work in an IT Section setting up email accounts). I feel that I am being singled out and very carefully manipulated so that I'll quit or it can be said that I can't do the work anymore.

 

It is all unneccessary stress that I should not be going through. It is also telling a toll on my husband who has now had to take on a lot more due to my diagnosis and reducing my work hours. I feel this is harrassment but I'm not sure as it could be argued that this is what a manager is for, to keep things running. I will look up this a bit more.

 

My husband, bless him, has said tonight to find out about being transferred out of IT altogether, even though it may be less pay (I've been trying to put it off due to money shortage) otherwise we will both be having heart attacks. I will enquire via the union tomorrow and take it from there.

 

Besides all this I have also been going through a bad time personally about things I love to do and can't anymore. I've had to come to some tough decisions and it hurts real bad. I won't go into them at the moment as I've gone on long enough.

 

What do you think about all this - would you say it is harrassment? Is there anyone out there that has any knowledge on this?

 

Thanks for listening.

 

[mayb]

Hi Jill.

 

I am sorry to hear that things are hotting up at work again. This behaviour by your manager is certainly unfair treatment and possibly disability discrimination too. If he is trying to make you want to leave, he is guilty of constructive dismissal if you do leave for that reason. If he is changing your job without consultation and agreement with you he is breaching your contract. Having said all that, and being in the position of going to Tribunal myself on a similar ticket for a different reason (whistleblowing and subsequently being sacked when I refused to leave despite the unfair treatment and bullying), I would say it is better not to have to go this route if you can help it. I have not been able to work for nearly a year since I was sacked, my Tribunal case is not to be heard before October and my husband is also having to work more hours because I can't.

 

You certainly need to enlist the help of your Union rep, and if I were you I would make written notes of what is happening at work. You can raise a formal grievance and your Union rep should be able to help you with this.

 

It may be a good idea for you to sit down with yourself and decide what you truly feel you are able to do in terms of hours and job content. If your hours mean that you are simply not going to be able to carry out certain aspects of your past work, then it is better to be realistic about that at this point. I realise that means coming to terms with the ms all over again on another front. Is it possible that there is other work within your company that you could apply to do thus sidestepping this particular manager and his decisions regarding you? Sometimes we do have to agree to work differently if there is a question of incapacity to carry out certain tasks, as it is possible to dismiss you on those grounds if that is the work required within that job and you cannot do it.

 

I hope that you do not take this the wrong way Jill, but I have been struggling with similar demons and know how this all feels for you. I am trying to find a way of working and am having to face the fact that I am not able to commit to anything on a regular basis. I am seeing an advisor who is charged with getting me back to work under the new government initiative to get employment for people on long term sickness or disability. He refuses to take into account my particular problems and wants me to complete a course in four weeks that normal people are expected to take 6 weeks to undertake. I wanted to do this course because there is no time span applied to it and you can take as long as it takes. In reality I did not expect to finish it before at least 6 months and that is only the first part. He on the other hand can only give permission for courses that will result in employment eligibility within 12 weeks. I am therefore, saying to you that if you wish to remain in employment, actually your best bet is to come to some workable terms with your employer. This may mean looking everything square in the eye and being honest and realistic with yourself. If you lose this job you are likely to be sent the same route as me and will be put under different sorts of pressure to work. I have a letter telling me that I am not considered to be fit for work and this will not be looked at again until 2010, however I am compulsorily attending this employment initiative thing?? Unless you stop breathing you will be considered fit for some sort of employment believe me.

 

So hang in there - take a deep breath and start again with the disability thing and your union rep is my advice for what it is worth. I am also seeing psychologist and one of the things we are discussing is my inability to face actually going into an office to work or visualising myself ever feeling safe in that environment again. The longer it takes me to get to that point if I ever do, the harder that will be. try to see that diagnosis for what it is - it is not the end of the world but it signals the end of the certainties that you could rely on before. You could just as easily have had a car accident or some other trauma with a similar or worse effect. You would have found it easier to show your wounds and say - look this is why I can't do this or that now. Somehow the hidden nature of the problems leads us to want to keep forcing the issues with ourselves. As if our willing it to happen will make it so. Give yourself a break - (no not a bone) and let yourself accept that things have changed for good and you need to look after your health before anything else. Stress will make you worse - you know that, and it will not help your relationship either. So let yourself off the struggle and you may find things actually improve as you are working within your limits and stress has gone.

 

Keep your chin up Jill and you will be ok in the end I know. I wish you lots of luck with the Mr Nasty at the office. However, you understand that he is working under pressure too and can't help it if he is not a very nice person either - feel sorry for him.

[Michelle]

Hi Jill,

 

I agree with Mary that your boss seems to be working under pressure. Of course this does not give him the right to rant and rave around the office, and make unfair demands on you,or anyone else for that matter. However, I would stress that this kind of scenario is played out in offices across the world,and whether you're disabled or not, it is easy to feel singled out by a raving boss.

Try and remember some cbt techniques,and view this from a different angle. Otherwise you will head into a downward spiral of dispair. As for going through a bad time with the inability to do the things you used to do.Yes! It's awful,and there is a time and place to grieve this kind of loss. And then there's a time to STOP thinking about what you think you have lost,and concerntrate on what you can do instead.

You can't afford to be so stressed Jill. If you're normally this way inclined, it will take a determined spirit to keep the stress levels down. You deserve to be on top of these stress levels. And I for one believe you can do it. Make a plan of action - work with someone on how to acheive lowering your stress levels in the work place. It's sounds like you feel victimised, and that's not a good feeling to have.

Keep in touch,and let us know how you get on.

 

Michelle

[Hezza]

Hi Jill,

So sorry that you are struggling. There's not much I can add to the excellent (as always) advice that Mary and Michelle have given you. I will add my & though.

 

Take care

[steven]

Hi Jill

 

Having been a manager myself it appears he isn't very motivational with nor attain positive focus on results.It's an old management style i m afraid.Try and convince him to do the strengthsfinder test as it tells you hometruths about yourself,book is sold on Amazon.

 

Mention a saying "IF YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU ALWAYS DID...YOU'LL ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU ALWAYS GOT".

 

We all need to change.

 

Good luck

 

Steven

[jillart]

Thanks everyone, for your replies.

 

I still got a bit more agro after my last posting, but so far this week all is OK. I've emailed my union rep already about possibly transfer opportunities due to health reasons but he has only opened it today - he must have been on hols or something as he is usually quite prompt.

 

As for this manager, I don't know of anyone in the office that likes him. He creeps out the women and aggravates the men, he really is obnoxious. I'm sure Ricky Zervais modelled himself on this guy. I don't think he would take any advice as he is one of those people that thinks he's perfect!

 

A lot of the problems in our office is due to different managers and team leaders not talking to each other and all trying to empire build. Also my team manager is absolutely hopeless and I've had trouble with him in the past. A lot of this agro is caused because he isn't doing his job, so myself and other team mates get the brunt of it. We're basically doing his work for him.

 

I had already decided about taking a different view on things, it's been a long term project for a while now. It's not so much that this episode upset me, I think I just got to the end of my tether after several years of this . Now it's time for a change as I have done pretty much everything else to look after myself - I need to reduce this stress. Both my husband and I blame work issues for bringing this on as I had had a REALLY bad year in 2007 (MS relapse Jan 08). So we'll see what comes out of this. I'll keep you posted.

 

Thanks again.

 

Hugz

 

[mayb]

Good for you Jill - I am glad you have a master plan and think you are absolutely right to do things this way. Stress is the monster we must all quell if we are to stand a hope in hell of getting the best out of ourselves and for ourselves. Let's hope 2009 is a turning point and things all come together for you at last.

[Michelle]

Jill,

 

I really hope this plan works for you. Don't be too hard on yourself if you have to revise such plans. I'm always tweaking my plans - even short terms plans and goals get the tweaking treatment I just tweaked some relationships that were setting off my trigger points.

I think we should all tweak from time to time

 

Michelle

[Hezza]

Hi Jill,

Good to hear you have a plan - as Michelle says don't worry if you have to tweak it

 

Michelle where would we be without you? I love your "tweaking" reference and you're so right. I have tweaked a lot of my routine over the past couple of weeks to help to pull myself out of the relapse-ette. Fingers crossed it's working!

[mayb]

I so agree with that - but tweaking! I have had to apply a bulldozer to most of mine - I think the important bit is to always be prepared to tweak or change completely but always to go with the flow healthwise. If you try to defy the messages from your body you will end up in a mess. So sometimes we have to take the pretty route rather than the shortcut to where ever it is we are aiming to arrive.

[Michelle]

The idea is to tweak on a regular basis,so that you don't need to use a bulldozer:)

 

Michelle

[Shirl]

The idea is to tweak on a regular basis,so that you don't need to use a bulldozer:)

 

Michelle

Yes, tweezers are far easier to manipulate a tweak than having to employ a bulldozer for a major excavation! Love the analogy, Michelle.

[mayb]

I quite agree but I have yet to really come to terms with the fact that no matter what my diagnosis or not may be, my body wont do as it is told and the mind is not particularly playing the game either. Can't find the tweezers but keep tripping over the bulldozer!!

[Dianni]

Just to let you know I'm thinking about you hunni xxx

 

 

 

Hugs

 

Di

 

xx

[Michelle]

The key is to get the mind to play the game. Truth is Mary,my body very rarely listens,and for me to survive this, I have to employ cognitive techniques. With the help of professionals,and my own training, I have had to draw a line and accept that I may never have another diagnosis of MS,or anything else.Pretty poo,but I still have to live my life. And I want a happy and content one.

 

Michelle

[mayb]

I think that is the angle that my psychologist is coming from Mich - I have to recreate myself in a new mould and discover a new me. I do understand that and I am seriously working on it. I am being told not to set myself against past goals because I am likely always to be seeing myself as a failure. Instead I must set small achievable and new goals and congratulate myself on my success.

 

I think if I had been able to draw a line and make the choice for myself it would have been easier to do. Instead I was sacked and I still have to face a Tribunal on that - I shall never know how much I would have avoided and how long I could have remained in work if that hadn't happened. My health plummeted following that and all that went with it. That is why I feel Jill should take these decisions for herself ahead of the game and hopefully feel more in control than if decisions are taken for her. Starting something completely new avoids making comparisons with past achievements in the field you were working in for instance.

 

I will keep working on the acceptance thing mich, I think I am nearly there but every now and then something pops up that brings me smack up against it all again.

[jillart]

Hello everyone again - sorry to have been away for so long.

 

I have just recapped on this thread and have found it is to do with what I was going to say anyway! This time it is slightly different - it's not to do with work - not completely anyway.

 

I've ended up getting myself in a right state. We are hoping to move this time next year to a different county where there are good friends, more interesting things to do and hopefully a job that I love (to be finalised yet). We've been trying to get things started on jazzing up our house ready for the sale and nothing yet has happened except for a clumsy plumber who made things worse! I also suddenly realised the gravity of it - that we where leaving our home of 27 years and the area we knew from a child. This all piled on top of me , alongwith not having a holiday for a while, everything got too much. I could not cope with people at work, it all seemed very noisy (I know that sometimes it definitely was!), I felt as if I didn't go out or have any fun, all I am doing is housework. And to make it worse I know that in the past I could do a lot of these jobs that now need doing - I am still adapting to this new way of life.

 

I've ended up being signed off sick for 2 weeks and my tablets for anxiety have been increased. If I do not feel any better in 2 weeks time I may have to go on anti-depressants.

 

The only good part of this is that in a year's time I can tell them to shove their job up their . I think I've had a major reality shock . I've got too many things to deal with. On the positive I have realised that the house has got bad over the past 10 years when I now know I've had MS and have not had as much energy. But I just can't be bothered with anything, while at the same time feeling bored and lonely. I am also in the middle of menopause, which is not helping at all.

 

Does anyone else suffer like this and do you have any tips on coping with it? I seem to be up one minute then really down the next. I know alot is not my fault and is due to the MS and the situations it is creating, but how to I go forward? Am I fighting too much - should I let go of things? But it's so hard to do that.

 

My husband (bless him) has said to not put a time scale on the move, so we get things done as and when. This has helped a little, but the problem lies with me - I'm really unsure about the future.

 

Thanks

 

[Christina]

Hi Jill

 

I certainly recognise the up and down bit you mention. I'm in the middle of menopause too and everything gets on top of me far too often. I just end up crying and feeling put on - that no-one helps me with the house and garden and I just generally feel sorry for myself.

 

It sounds like you need a bit of a rest from work and a time to recharge Jill. Your husband has given you good advice, things can only move at the pace you want and try not to rush things. That's easy for me to say I know, I had a load of building work done last year at my house for my father-in-law to come and live with us - big changes have happened in my household since which I won't bore you with here - but needless to say I felt really low after all of it. It takes some time to come back up again.

 

Don't be hard on yourself.

 

Chris x

[mayb]

Hello Jill

 

No wonder you haven't been around - sounds like you have been very busy and very stressed too. Not sure if it helps but I have a similar problem of too many worries and different things happening at once. I have also had some major work done on the house over the last 6 months and I have now found it impossible to keep up with the housework/garden etc. My answer has been to shut down on all fronts and not even be able to go out of the front door lately without a major battle with myself. This all came to a head when I had a 'minor' accident in the car last week and the shock and worry of that triggered a major panic about my capabilities to do anything at all.

 

Anyway I saw my psychologist who is a very nice lady and she set me back on track again with a bit of sympathy and sensible advice. One stop beating yourself up - this is all a normal reaction to the pressure you are under. Two make a list and attempt to get one thing done a day and set no time limits on yourself - more is great but not necessary. Three spend some time on yourself - paint your nails, do your hair, have a relaxing bath with candles, whatever helps you to feel good about yourself in some way. She then gave me some coping strategies for getting back my confidence in going out and meeting/talking to people.

 

It would be very unnatural to feel anything but fearful about such a change in your life as leaving the area you know well. Remind yourself of why you have decided to do that and that it will be to do a job you love.

 

One note of caution that may or may not apply though Jill. Wherever you go your MS goes with you so you will not be leaving behind the issues that you have to deal with on that front. Be sure not to isolate yourself further from support that you may need to cope with that and also that you are not running away from the affect this has had on you so far. There is no harm in drawing a line in the sand and starting afresh and I am sure a new area with friends and interests would go a long way towards helping you to cope and come to terms with your MS.

 

You are about to do a lot of very stressful things at once, sell up, move home, change jobs. You will also need to sort out your MS support/doctor/neuro in another area. If you are not coping with this then I fear for your health as it will not be easy to take that all on at once and cope with anything less than straightforward. I wonder if you are regretting taking that decision now perhaps. I would take some time to write down a few things - reasons for doing this and benefits in one columm and reasons for not doing it and detriments in another. Just looking at that may ensure that you are thinking this through and either reinforce your decision or persuade you to think again. Your husband is right - if you put yourself under pressure it will all go wrong so take some time over it.

 

Menopause - The shock of being suspended and later sacked from my job meant I went through mine in double quick time. The one and only benefit from that incident in my life. I think you should deal with that with your GP if there are issues that are troubling you and making life more difficult he/she may be able to offer help on that. It is another thing that makes us feel our age and realise that youth is behind us - so can be a depressing thing but let me tell you, when it is over it is so liberating .

 

Lonely and depressed - The first step is the hardest on this one. Do you still go to your local ms society meetings Jill? Is there something that you would like to do where you would meet other people and it would not involve your ms? Tai chi perhaps or Yoga. Some of my friends offered to come over and help to paint the house and sugested a painting party. I am still thinking about that but it could be a great deal of fun and if you are moving, the possible lack of skills (especially after a few drinks) may not be a problem anyway!! If you are not moving for a year you do need to find something to bridge that gap. A year is too long to be lonely.

 

[Hezza]

Hi Jill,

There isn't much that I can add to the wonderful advice that you've already been given. It is, as Christina and Mayb have already said, perfectly natural for you to be feeling the way you are with so many big things seeming to happen all at once.

It sounds like you have great support from both your husband. Are there any friends nearby who you can draw into your support network to help you through these challenges too? The forum is always here for you but sometimes actually having a real person there - even if it's just to give you a hug - is what we need.

Have you ever considered CBT? With CBT a counsellor could teach you about tools to help you to understand the anxiety that you're feeling as well as tactics to deal with it.

 

Hoping that things start to get easier soon

 

Mary I just wanted you to know that there are some suggestions within your reply to Jill that I think I'll add to my own personal toolkit - especially the "pros and cons" idea so

[mayb]

Thanks Hezza - sometimes the results of one of those can suprise you, particularly if you have been focusing on one aspect of a situation and overlooking other important ones.

[Hezza]

I totally agree - the saying "Can't see the wood for the trees" springs to mind. I'm particularly susceptible to that when fatigued!

 

Good to hear from you again hon

[jillart]

Thanks for the wonderful advice.

 

One of the main problems is that I do not have a support network here of friends/relatives, that is one reason why I am moving - to be with my adopted family (no blood ties - just very very good friends). They have already said things like "if you were nearer we could do this or help with that". I am the youngest amongst my brothers/sisters and quite a bit younger too, so they all have their own families or health problems. This is why I feel alone a lot. I do have one friend in this area and she has helped me a bit, but she is now working full time and has a family so she is tied to time. That is why I go to the WI and the MS group when I can. I've not been to the MS group for a little while as I've had a couple of problems with someone there and have not felt welcome - probably in my mind. The activities are not exactly my thing.

 

However, I am thinking of going again soon and seeing if I can go on one of their trips as I've not been anywhere at all this year and I'm fed up of looking at the same walls. We didn't go many places on holiday back in May as we were so tired. Hubby does not seem to want to go anywhere - I think I've worn him down with all my ailments and problems. We need a small break from each other but he says he would worry if I went off on my own for a few days! I've missed the trips with the WI this year through various reasons as well.

 

Oh boy, am I a sorry state . Basically I need a friend that I can go out to places with, or natter to - that's why I feel lonely. I think a lot of my anxiety would disappear then as I would not feel worried about going out to places and getting too tired or not being able to reach things. It gets pretty boring always going on your own!

 

I have been bad again today - I've felt that I could not keep my body up especially when I am standing up - does anyone else get that or is that part of the anxiety?

 

As for the move, I am not thinking about it too much at the moment - I seem to have shut down like Mary. I'm looking at it as we are finally re-decorating our house and we'll have a bit of pride in it again. Also that I have to concentrate on getting through these 12 months up to when the mortgage is paid off, so I can leave work. Needless to say that that is a very big worry especially because of our sickness procedures. I have got a lot on my shoulders as several things need to be paid off by then etc etc (boring stuff!). I am trying my hardest not to worry about them all to much, but every now and then it all bursts through.

 

I have had CBT and it has helped a bit - it was mainly dealing with accepting my MS and the new me and building my self esteem and self image. The counsellor admitted that she could not deal with MS related issues, so it could only go so far. I know what I need - to have things that will take my mind off all this stuff, but how to get them? I like going for meals but I've been for so many now it's getting samey. I want to go out and see new things. And I suppose the fact that we may be moving has kind of spoiled how I enjoy the garden etc, as I don't want to do it for someone else! Weird.

 

Well that's enough of my ranting. I'm gonna enjoy a nice bath now, I may even try some candles. I'll just try not to look at the stripped walls we did yesterday!!!!

[mayb]

Well Jill it is amazing how much better everything looks by candlelight!!

I had to live through the winter with only candlelight downstairs (including bathroom) as we had no electricity light circuit downstairs and no plugs working upstairs. Life was interesting to say the least. The first step is the hardest and we decided to concentrate on the kitchen and the bedroom first as we spend most of our time in one or the other. It is nice to complete something and does give you more of a boost to get the rest done.

[Michelle]

Hi Jill,

 

What about asking your g.p about an SSRI type med. I was actually given this med for combined pain relief,but boy! did it help with my moods. As for going out alone. How about wearing one of those emergency pendants around your neck or wrist. This will enable you to have a little more confidence,and hopefully give less worry to your husband when you're out and about. I used to be nervous about going out,especially when I was faaling over,and forgetting things. I approached this problem bby tkaing short walks,sometimes to the end of the road and back. Keep to being realistic about the goals you set yourself.

How about trying a local coffee shop,instead of a foody place? I'm not saying you will strike up long term friendships there,but it could be a change of sceneary for you.

I'm going to get going now,as my writing is doing my head in Taking me ages to correct my back to front words

 

Lots of love

 

M x